Tired of Overwhelm

There is so much I need to change about myself…

Overwhelmed.

Tired.

Angry.

Bitter.

My heart is heavy.

I know my diagnoses

But the solution isn’t clear

Is my brain broken?

Or

Do I just have a bad personality?

I’ve been asking this question for as long as I can remember

What’s wrong with me?

I know what’s right with me

There is a lot of good here

But I can’t knock this nagging feeling

That under every smile

…there is a river of negativity waiting

Waiting for me to dive in

And be carried away

To that place where I’ll drown

I need to break the habit of being ME

I need to break the habit of being ME

(Is this just being human?)

(If there are 8 billion of us, why do I feel so ALONE?)

Suffering from this human

CONDITION

I want MORE than this human-ness

This suffering, a burden, and completely OPTIONAL

Imprisoned by my own equipment

I need to break the habit of being…

And yet

What does that even mean?

If I reject the parts of myself that hurt

Am I freeing myself

Or simply creating another thing to reject?

Maybe the question isn’t “What’s wrong with me?”

Maybe it’s something simpler

Something closer to the truth

A prayer for truth, grown in soil of rejection

Blooms into what?

I don’t know

Not yet

But maybe that’s the point

Maybe I don’t have to know what it will become

Maybe I just have to stop pulling it out of the ground

To see whether it is growing

What blooms when we stop rejecting what is here?

I want to find out