Behind the badge

Sixteen hours under fluorescent lights,

Chasing shadows through the dead of night.

Radio screaming, another call,

I keep my hands steady while somebody falls.

Blue lights bleeding across my face,

Another broken home, another empty space.

They see the uniform, they see the gun,

They don't see what the job has done.

I tell myself, “Don't feel a thing,”

But every siren makes my heartbeat ring.

Behind the badge, I'm falling apart,

Wearing a shield over a bleeding heart.

I save strangers while I lose myself,

Put all my nightmares on somebody else's shelf.

If you see me standing underneath those lights,

Just know I'm fighting my own ghosts tonight.

I've seen mothers crying beside the street,

Kids asking questions I can't repeat.

I've held the hands of people afraid,

Then gone home wondering if I could've stayed.

Coffee gone cold in the cruiser seat,

Rain on the windshield, silence in the street.

Everybody thinks I'm made of stone,

But the badge doesn't stop me hurting alone.

So I breathe in smoke and breathe out fear,

Tell myself I can't disappear.

Behind the badge, I'm falling apart,

Wearing a shield over a bleeding heart.

I save strangers while I lose myself,

Put all my nightmares on somebody else's shelf.

If you see me standing underneath those lights,

Just know I'm fighting my own ghosts tonight.

Maybe I'm not the hero they believe,

Maybe I'm just someone who refuses to leave.

When the world gets dark and everybody runs,

I stay standing underneath the sun.

And when this uniform finally hits the floor,

I wonder who I'll be when I'm not needed anymore.

Behind the badge, I'm still just a man,

Doing everything I possibly can.

I've carried the weight of a thousand cries,

Watched too many goodbyes under red-and-blue skies.

If someday you ask me why I stayed,

I'll say, “Someone had to walk into the darkness afraid.”

Radio fades...

Engine dies...

Blue lights disappear from the night.

I take off the badge.

I close my eyes.

For once...

I don't have to be alright.