Before Their Voices

There’s a woman standing at the sink,

Holding back another sleepless night,

But the mirror shows a little girl

In a nightgown faded white.

She tilts her head the way I do,

Her fingers reaching out for mine.

I say, “There’s something you should know,”

And feed her every borrowed lie.

“You’re too fat. You’re too needy.

You’re too loud when you get excited.

You’d look better if you tried harder.

There’s a reason you’re never invited.

You’re dramatic. You’re exhausting.

Nobody wants to hear you cry.

You should be grateful that I want you.

Someone else would say goodbye.

You ruin every good thing.

You’re impossible to please.

If you were prettier, I’d show you off.

Why can’t you make this easy?”

Her little chin begins to tremble;

I can barely meet her eyes.

I whisper, “I’m just telling you the truth.”

She throws her hands against her side—

“NO! THOSE ARE ALL LIES!

LISTEN NO MORE!

I HAD A NAME BEFORE THEIR WORDS—

WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME THAT FOR?

I’m the girl who made up dances,

Who thought her laugh could fill the sky.

Look at me—I’m right here waiting!

Don’t let their voices drown out mine!”

I stop halfway through “You’re worthless.”

The word hangs heavy in my teeth.

She looks so small inside that mirror,

Still standing up to speak.

I remember making paper crowns,

Believing I could be a queen.

When did I start asking permission

For anybody to see me?

“I don’t need you to be perfect.

You can cry and hold my hand.

You don’t have to have an answer

For the things we don’t understand.

Tell me how we used to sing

Before we learned to sing so low.

Tell me something kind about us—

Something I deserve to know.”

NO! THOSE WERE ALL LIES!

WE’LL LISTEN NO MORE!

I had a name before their words,

And a life worth reaching for.

I’m the girl who made up dances;

I’m the woman learning why

Her laughter went so quiet—

Now I’m turning up that child.

“You’re funny when you’re rambling.

You’re lovely when you’re loud.

You can tell me when you’re hurting.

You don’t have to earn me now.”

Her little shoulders soften;

Mine finally do the same.

I leave the light on long enough

To say those words again.