What’d You Think I’d Do!?

Five little tickets in a world this wide

Never thought one would end up on my side

Then gold caught fire underneath that wrapper…

Oh, shit. [Spoken]

I held that ticket up against the light

Read every word about a dozen times

I know this story, I know what comes next

I’ve seen what happens when you fail the tests

But there I stood outside those factory gates

With common sense already running late

He tipped his hat, said, “Come along inside”

And every warning bell went quiet in my mind

I promised I’d behave myself

Keep both hands where they belong

Then somebody opened up those doors…

Yeah, that promise didn’t last too long

I found a Golden Ticket

And I know how this one ends

But if that river’s really chocolate

I’m going swimming, my friends

I’ll taste the flowers, lick the walls

Try everything I shouldn’t

You can tell me, “Don’t touch anything”

I heard you.

But I couldn’t.

I found a Golden Ticket

Better keep an eye on me

‘Cause Charlie might’ve passed the test

But that sure as hell ain’t me

Then every color I’d imagined came alive

Sugar trees and candy blooming five feet high

I took one bite, then two, then lost the plot

If everything was edible, why the hell not?

Then through the garden came that chocolate stream

The one I’d wanted since I was thirteen

Wonka said, “Please don’t—” but I’d kicked off my shoes

You built a chocolate river, what’d you think I’d do?

I promised I’d behave myself

That promise had a fighting chance

Then someone said the walls taste just like fruit…

Well, now you’ve changed the circumstance

Strawberry tasted strawberry

The snozzberries did too

I worked my way along that wall

Like any sane person would do

Then somebody mentioned fizzy drinks

That make you float up high

One little sip, my feet left Earth

I laughed until I wheezed

Then saw that fan above my head…

Okay.

How do I get DOWN, please?

Somewhere down the hall I heard a honk

And saw those golden eggs roll one by one

I knew that room, I knew that scale

I knew EXACTLY how this ends

So naturally…

I stepped on it.

BAD EGG.

Well, that’s rude.

WAIT— WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

I tasted the garden

I licked the damn wall

I floated too high

Nearly died in the fall

I bothered the geese

Got judged by a scale

And somehow I’m STILL

On the factory trail!

I FOUND A GOLDEN TICKET

And I know how this one ends

If that river’s really chocolate

I’m STILL going swimming, my friends

I’ll taste the flowers, lick the walls

Try everything I shouldn’t

You can tell me, “Don’t touch anything”

I heard you!

BUT I COULDN’T!

I found a Golden Ticket

Better keep an eye on me

‘Cause Charlie might’ve passed the test

But that sure as hell ain’t me!

If I ever find another one

I’ll swear I’ve learned my lesson…

I’m lying.

Can we go through again?