If You Only Knew

I thought there’d always be another night,

Another message lighting up my phone.

Another chance to let the truth slip out,

Another moment we could call our own.

So I kept hiding underneath a smile,

Kept every dangerous feeling locked away.

You never knew how deep you got inside—

And now there’s nothing left for me to say.

You found somebody

while I was fighting with my fear.

Now all the things I couldn’t tell you

are the only things I hear.

I hate that you will never know

How hard I fell, how deep it goes.

How many nights I almost called

Just to confess I wanted all of you.

I hate that she gets what I dreamed,

While I’m still somewhere in between

The life we had and what could be.

You moved on—

But you’re still everywhere in me.

Take me back across the border line,

To water warm beneath a foreign sky.

The Netherlands, that night, that stupid room—

Before I knew I’d miss it all my life.

I’d look at you a little longer now.

I wouldn’t hide behind another joke.

I’d let the words come crashing from my mouth

Instead of letting every moment go.

Because somebody

was brave enough to let you in.

While I was standing at the edge

too scared to even begin.

I hate that you will never know

How hard I fell, how deep it goes.

How many nights I almost called

Just to confess I wanted all of you.

I hate that she gets what I dreamed,

While I’m still somewhere in between

The life we had and what could be.

You moved on—

But you’re still everywhere in me.

And I could scream until my voice gives out,

Could tear these memories apart.

But anger doesn’t change the truth—

I handed silence my own heart.

Maybe you’d have turned me down.

Maybe you would’ve pulled me near.

I could survive either answer.

It’s the never knowing

I can’t bear.

So tell me—

Did you ever feel it too?

Did you ever almost say it?

Did you ever lie awake

With my name inside your head?

Or was I falling all alone

While standing right beside you?

God, I wish

I fucking knew.

I hate that you may never know

You were the place I wanted most.

And every word I buried then

Is burning through my chest again.

I hate that time won’t turn around,

That someone else has found you now.

And if I never get another chance

To look into your eyes and tell the truth—

I hope somehow

some part of you

already knew.

Take me back across the border line,

Just one more night beneath that sky.

This time

I wouldn’t let you leave

without knowing why.