Blue Balls & Bad Decisions

Right.

I've made some poor decisions in my life.

Bought a three wheeled tits van.

Trusted a fart after curry.

Said, "I'll just have one pint."

But nothing…

NOTHING…

Has damaged my judgement quite like a woman saying,

"Come round later."

And then going to sleep.

She's looking gorgeous, giving me eyes,

I'm thinking romance, she's thinking Netflix tonight.

She's got her pyjamas, she's brushed her teeth,

I've got expectations I should probably keep beneath.

She says, "You're lovely," I hear wedding bells,

She says, "Stay over," I'm imagining hotels.

She's fast asleep by a quarter past ten,

I'm lying there negotiating with myself again.

My brain says, "Mate, just act your age,"

My other brain's gone completely off the page.

I'm counting sheep, but they're all in pairs,

And every single one of them's getting somewhere!

I've tried deep breathing, I've tried meditation,

I've tried looking up the laws of population.

I've tried cold showers, I've tried a run,

But now I'm cold, I'm wet, and I've achieved absolutely none!

Blue balls and bad decisions!

Romantic hopes and poor provisions!

Can't think straight, can't sit still,

Got the self-control of a shopping trolley on a hill!

Blue balls and bad decisions!

I've lost my common sense and inhibitions!

She said, "Not tonight," I said, "That's fine!"

Then spent three hours reading signs!

Oh-oh-oh, what have I done?

My body's on strike and my brain's gone numb!

Blue balls! Bad calls!

I'm not the man I was before!

Blue! Blue! (What's wrong with you?)

Balls! Balls! (You've got things to do!)

Blue! Blue! (He's lost the plot!)

Mate, she's asleep!

— Yeah but explain that to them!

I bought her flowers, thought I'd score some points,

Now I'm discussing vase dimensions and joints.

I cooked her dinner, did the washing-up,

She said, "You're such a sweetheart" — I thought, "Here we go, good luck!"

She kissed my cheek, I nearly saw God,

Then tripped on the rug and headbutted the dog.

I blamed the lighting, the carpet, the floor,

The dog looked at me like, "I've heard this before."

I texted, "You awake?" — she replied, "It's one."

I typed, "Just checking that you're sleeping well, hun."

She sent a thumbs-up. I took it as a sign.

I've booked a couples' holiday. She's blocked me online.

Blue balls and bad decisions!

Romantic hopes and poor provisions!

Can't think straight, can't sit still,

I'm a grown-ass man with the judgement of a daffodil!

Blue balls and bad decisions!

Someone confiscate my permissions!

She said, "Goodnight," I said, "Sleep tight!"

Then liked a photo from 2019 last night!

Oh-oh-oh, I've learnt my lesson!

(He hasn't!)

I swear I'm done with this obsession!

(He's lying!)

Blue balls! Bad calls!

Somebody take my phone before I call