What Did You Think I’d Do!?

Gold caught fire beneath that wrapper…

Oh, shit.

I held that ticket up against the light

I know this story, know what comes next

I’ve seen what happens when you fail the tests

But there I stood outside those factory gates

With common sense already running late

He tipped his hat, said, “Come along inside”

And every warning bell went quiet in my mind

I promised I’d behave myself

Keep both hands where they belong

Then somebody opened up those doors…

That promise didn’t last too long

I found a Golden Ticket

And I know how this one ends

But if that river’s really chocolate

I’m going swimming, my friends

I’ll taste the flowers, lick the walls

Try everything I shouldn’t

You can tell me, “Don’t touch anything”

I heard you.

But I couldn’t.

I found a Golden Ticket

Better keep an eye on me

‘Cause Charlie might’ve passed the test

But that sure as hell ain’t me

Every color I’d imagined came alive

I took one bite, then two, then lost the plot

If everything was edible, why the hell not?

Then through the garden came that chocolate stream

The one I’d wanted since I was thirteen

Wonka said, “Please don’t—” I’d kicked off my shoes

You built a chocolate river, what’d you think I’d do?

Here we go again…

Oh, don’t YOU start.

Strawberry tasted strawberry

The snozzberries did too

I worked along that fruity wall

Like any sane person would do

Then fizzy drinks sent up my feet

I laughed until I wheezed

Then I saw that fan above…

How do I get DOWN, please?

Darkness swallowed up the boat

Lights went strange, the walls went wild

Wonka looked delighted

I reconsidered my entire life

WHY IS HE SO CALM?!

Down the hall I heard a honk

Saw golden eggs roll one by one

I knew that room, I knew that scale

I knew EXACTLY how this ends

So naturally…

I stepped on it.

BAD EGG.

Well, that’s rude.

WAIT—WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

I tasted the garden

I licked the damn wall

I floated too high

Nearly died in the fall

I bothered the geese

Got judged by a scale

And somehow I’m STILL

On the factory trail!

But one little Gobstopper

Was bigger than the game

I could break every rule in the factory

But I wouldn’t sell his name

So I put it on the desk

And turned to walk away

What’d you think I’d do?

I FOUND A GOLDEN TICKET

And I know how this one ends

If that river’s really chocolate

I’m STILL going swimming, my friends

I’ll taste the flowers, lick the walls

Try everything I shouldn’t

You can tell me, “Don’t touch anything”

I heard you!

BUT I COULDN’T!

I found a Golden Ticket

Better keep an eye on me

I might fail every little test

But I pass the ones that mean something to me

Well… look at you.

If I ever find another one

I’ll swear I’ve learned my lesson…

I’m lying.

Can we go through again?