I Hate Who I Am Now

I… hate… who I am now…

I’ve… lost… myself I know how

I look in the mirror…

But the old me ain’t around…

Laid up… in helllll

Stuck with the nowwww

I only wanted life,

Never knew it could turn around.

I had plans

I had roads…

I had places left to go.

If somebody showed me what was coming,

Would I have lived differently knowing?

I miss the freedom,

I miss the sound,

I miss the person I was

Before my whole world turned upside down.

It’s hurting now…

Hurting to know…

There was a last time for everything

And I didn’t even know.

If only I knewwwwww

What was waiting down the road…

If only I knewwwwww

How much I was about to lose…

I would’ve slowed down,

I would’ve looked around,

I would’ve appreciated every little thing

I never thought twice about.

Changes would’ve been made,

Maybe things wouldn’t be the same.

Now I’m stuck asking questions

That’ll never give me yesterday.

And I hate who I am now,

Not because I wanted to—

I just can’t stop comparing

Everything I am

To everything I used to do.

I… hate… who I am now

I’ve… lost… myself I know how

Wish I knew what was coming,

Wish more have warned me somehow

I… miss… who I was then…

I’d give anything to feel him again.

I never knew I was living

The days I’d spend forever missing…

If only I knew back then…

Things could’ve been different,

This ain’t what I imagined.

Sometimes I close my eyes

And start asking to go backwards.

I lived like tomorrow was promised,

Like everything would stay the same.

Never thought ordinary moments

Would become the ones that bring me pain.

Now memories hit differently.

Things I barely noticed then

Feel like everything to me.

Walking without thinking,

Going wherever I pleased,

Getting up and leaving

Without needing anything.

I didn’t know that was paradise

Until paradise became a memory.

Trying to escape my mind,

But the walls keep closing tighter.

Every memory of who I was

Makes the present feel much harder.

Can’t walk my old path anymore,

And accepting that still tears me apart.

Everybody sees that I survived,

But they don’t see the grieving in my heart.

Tossing and turning every night,

Fighting thoughts I never invite.

I wouldn’t wish these nights

On anybody living another life.

I hate feeling broken.

I hate feeling unnoticed.

Somebody see me now

Before I disappear inside these moments.

I’m stuck inside a lonely mind,

Looking backward all the time.

Trying to find that piece of my soul

That still remembers what it felt like to be alive.

I know I’m still here

But sometimes that’s the hardest truth.

Because the person that I am now

Still feels like somebody new.

I… hate… who I am now…

I’ve… lost… myself I know how

I wish I knew what was coming,

Maybe I would’ve held life tighter somehow.

I… miss… who I was then…

Before everything became “remember when”

I never knew those ordinary days

Maybe I would’ve held life tighter somehow.

I… miss… who I was then…

Before everything became “remember when”

Yeah I “do” (ohh)