Before I Had a Say

BEFORE I HAD A SAY

It’s GrizzlyJones… It’s time…

Drop da beat… drop it…

How much of me…

Was here before the hurt?

Somebody taught me the shape of the world

Before I had words for the weight that I held.

I learned what was true by what kept me safe,

Now I call it instinct when I hide my face.

Never chose the rules, just grew inside ’em,

Got so used to chains I quit trying to find ’em.

Called it my nature, said, “That’s just me,”

But who would I be if I’d learned differently?

It’s in what I want, what I think I deserve,

How I swallow a compliment, choke on a word.

How I need to be useful to feel I belong,

How a whole day of rest feels like doing something wrong.

Nobody’s yelling. I still make myself small.

Nobody asked me to carry it all.

I know what happened ain’t happening now—

Knowing ain’t the same as putting it down.

It got there before I had a say,

Put its hands on the way my world takes shape.

Now it speaks in my voice, looks out through my eyes,

Makes a memory feel like the truth sometimes.

If I loosen my grip on the things I believe,

What falls away—and what’s left of me?

I wanna know what a life could be

Without every thought putting me on trial.

I can turn a good morning into something to earn,

Keep a little shame handy so I don’t get worse.

If I’m hard on myself, nobody gets there first—

That bargain’s been costing me more than it’s worth.

Even my ambition’s got a question underneath:

Do I want that life, or need them to see?

And when I say nothing, am I choosing peace,

Or afraid of what happens if I disagree?

That’s what tears me up—there ain’t a clear line

Between what I survived and what I call mine.

Some of it helped me. Some of it stayed

Long after the reason I needed that way.

I don’t have a villain for every bad day,

And I don’t want my past explaining me away.

I just want a choice I can feel when I make,

Not another old reflex wearing my name.

Don’t tell me it happened to make me strong.

I was somebody before it went wrong.

I lost things I don’t have memories of—

A way to feel safe without doing enough.

Let me grieve what I can’t even name.

I don’t need a lesson for all of this pain.

It got there before I had a say,

But I’m here now, asking what gets to stay.

Still speaks in my voice, still looks through my eyes—

I’m learning to question without calling me a lie.

I don’t know who I’ll be when some of it leaves.

I’m scared there’ll be nothing. I’m scared to feel free.

For once, let that question stay open tonight…

I don’t have to answer to earn my own life.

Before I had a say…

That’s when it started.

That ain’t where I ended.