Haunted House Flippers

Intro

(The track opens with the upbeat, acoustic strums of a home-makeover show theme. A cheery whistling melody starts up, instantly joined by a crisp drum clap. In the background, a blood-curdling, echoey wail echoes through a hollow room, instantly cut off by the sharp, cheerful sound of a tape measure snapping shut.)

Verse 1

We got the keys to the property at a rock-bottom price

The listing said "historic" but we think it’s pretty nice

Sure, the walls are bleeding slime and the hallways tend to scream

But with a little shiplap, this will be a buyer's dream!

As I’m charting out the blueprints for a massive master suite

A rusty broadaxe flies past my ear and embeds into the sheet

I don't mind the draft, though the temperature just dropped

I yell, "Hey honey, check it out! The wood floors can be popped!"

The floorboards are buckling, the local papers call it cursed

But we’re looking at the equity and putting layout first.

Chorus

(The brass section kicks in with a triumphant, sunny blast; the vocals are wide, smiling, and anthemic)

We’re the Haunted House Flippers, tearing down the past!

Gonna make this cursed foundation built to last!

The ghosts are throwing hatchets but the lighting is divine

We’re expanding the dining space and looking at the line!

Demolition, renovation, ignore the floating chair

We’ll fix the structural damage and the supernatural flare!

Knock a hole right through the drywall, let the morning light rush in

We’re gonna get a return on investment with a great big grin!

Verse 2

The drywall guy walked out when the shadows grabbed his coat

But we’re still on schedule, keeping this project afloat

The spectral high priestess is chanting in the den

I tell her, "Ma'am, that accent wall is a solid eight out of ten!

But we’re thinking a sage green or a neutral beige palette

To really maximize the space and appease the market's ballot."

A swarm of angry locusts erupts out of the sink

My partner grabs a sponge and says, "The plumbing's on the blink!

We’ll swap the copper piping for a modern PVC

And add a marble countertop that people love to see!"

Chorus

We’re the Haunted House Flippers, tearing down the past!

Gonna make this cursed foundation built to last!

The ghosts are throwing hatchets but the lighting is divine

We’re expanding the dining space and looking at the line!

Demolition, renovation, ignore the floating chair

We’ll fix the structural damage and the supernatural flare!

Knock a hole right through the drywall, let the morning light rush in

We’re gonna get a return on investment with a great big grin!

Verse 3

Hour forty-eight and the poltergeist is mad

It’s throwing heavy iron nails, behaving pretty bad

We just duck and weave while we measure for the fridge

"An open-concept kitchen right across this structural ridge!"

The levitating cabinets are actually quite handy

Saves us on the labor costs, the utility is dandy!

The basement door is rattling with the fury of a beast

We’ll put a solid deadbolt on and stage it facing east.

Bridge

(The music strips back to a rhythmic handclap and an percussive "clink-clink" of hammers. The vocals are delivered in a rapid-fire, enthusiastic TV-host presentation style)

Look at the bones of this colonial estate!

The bleeding brick fireplace is really first-rate!

We’ll scrape off the soot, we’ll paint over the hex

And put a gorgeous cedar wood wrap around the deck!

Is that a portal to the underworld opening in the floor?

Or a spectacular conversation piece right inside the door?

Add a couple of barstools, a nice pendant light

And this staging will look perfect for the open house tonight!

(A bright, triumphant trumpet fanfare rises, completely drowning out a distant sound of demonic roaring)

Chorus

(The final chorus hits with maximum cheerful energy, backing vocals singing bright "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" as objects crash in the distance)

We’re the Haunted House Flippers, tearing down the past!

Gonna make this cursed foundation built to last!

The ghosts are throwing hatchets but the lighting is divine

We’re expanding the dining space and looking at the line!

Demolition, renovation, ignore the floating chair

We’ll fix the structural damage and the supernatural flare!

Knock a hole right through the drywall, let the morning light rush in

We’re gonna get a return on investment with a great big grin!

Outro

(The driving pop beat fades down to a bright acoustic guitar loop. The cheerful whistling hook returns.)

The staging is done.

The welcome mat is set.

The real estate agent turns to the camera with an aggressive smile:

"We’re listed at four-fifty. The paranormal entities are non-negotiable fixtures."

(The track ends instantly with the sharp, clean sound of a "SOLD" sign being hammered into a front yard lawn, accompanied by a distant, defeated ghostly sigh.)